Category: Depression

Things all parents will relate to.

A few things have been swirling around my head recently about children, especially toddlers.  Some of the things they do, and some of the things they say leave us all gob-smacked, laughing, the things you experience amidst all of the madness and sometimes most of the time, leaves you crying.

-The inability to listen the first, second and third time you call their name…
To which you then resort to raising your voice, and your child does not understand why you are raising your voice at them, which then leads to a strop.

-The words “no” and “what”…
Zak has recently really got into these words. We could be chatting, and I’ll ask him to do something and I get an immediate “no”. It shocks me every time, if I’d have done that to my parents I’d have been bollocked for it. Zak’s favourite at the minute is “what”. If I call him from another room all I hear is “WHAT?”. It really frustrates me, and no matter how many times I tell him to answer differently, he still does it. Probably because he knows it annoys me.

-The mega cute face they find when you’re mad at them…

The big eyes come out, the cuddles, the kisses on the face and then they bring out the cute phrase/dance/action that they know you love. How can you stay mad at that face?

-The overwhelming feeling that no matter what, you’re not good enough…
I get this one a lot. I constantly feel like my best isn’t good enough, I feel like I am the only one struggling to get my child to pick up the cushion he just threw for no reason, to eat his food, and to just behave in general. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not the naughtiest child out there, but I get those moments where it all becomes too much, and I wonder sometimes why I am failing this, badly.

-Those days where you feel like a TV Mom
I can’t be the only one who feels like this from time to time? The days where your child behaves, the house is clean (well everything is packed into bulging cupboards and it looks clean), you get everything done that you need to and you even had time to slap on some make up, and you found probably the last set of clothes without a bleach stain on them. They are great days.

-Getting stupidly excited when another adult comes over, or you bump into someone you know
When the only conversation you’ve had all day is about minions, farts and lollipops, when you do get the chance to have some adult conversation, you get that rush of excitement run through you. Until of course, your child gets jealous that your attention isn’t just for them and they play up. Then you end up telling them off. No wonder you don’t have much adult conversation.

-Finally, when you’re without your kids, it’s not right
You’ve been stressed and crazy all week, you have bags under your eyes, matted hair, you’re hungry, tired and need a long bath. You finally get that little bit of time to yourself that you have been waiting for. The moment is here and it just doesn’t feel right, you miss their little faces and weirdly miss all of the stress. You then sit there upset because all you wanted was free time and now feel like an awful, selfish person.

Much love xx

 

Ouchies & Lots of Tears

Part 1.

Zak had to go for his preschool jabs yesterday.

He normally gets way over excited about going to the Doctors, so I prepared for tears, by buying some smarties for after, and being ready for a clingy child.

We were waiting to go in and he was zooming around where I was sat, buzzing to see the Doctor. We were called in, to a different room than normal, and he was still in high spirits.

The nurse then sat him down and explained that he was going to have some “magic medicine” to make him big and strong, but we had to give it to him a little differently, one in each arm rather than the usual magic medicine he is used to.

-He then got nervous, oh crap.

She gave him his first injection and he let out a huge wail and clung onto me. He started sobbing and holding tighter and tighter. He’s generally not the type to properly cry, he will cry when he strops but this was different, he was frightened and in pain, which then led to me crying. The second one was even worse, Zak crying louder, me fighting back the tears and also fighting to keep him still. At least it was over. Poor Zak just cried into me whilst the nurse explained any side effects he might experience, then, she offered him a chocolate button and POOF! It was like there was a different child on my lap! He shoved it in his mouth and then got down, it was like nothing had ever happened!

Part 2.

My turn to see the Doctor. I’ve been wanting this appointment for a long time now, but as I was sat there, I felt like all of my problems were so minor, and I couldn’t think of what I needed to say. After seeing Zak like that just before, I suddenly didn’t care about me.

I was still teary when I was called into my appointment. I just went for it and explained that I have been suffering quite badly with my depression and anxiety recently. I also mentioned that I think one of the main factors is because I have such low self esteem, and that I’ve been trying to lose weight, but not really got very far. Throughout all of this I was struggling to hold back the tears, I’m not sure if it was because I was still upset from seeing Zak cry and then unloading like that set me off again, or if it would have happened even if Zak hadn’t have had any jabs. We talked for a while, she gave me loads of booklets on healthy eating, all of these I already knew, but maybe hearing it and having information from my Doctor will help. Either way, she has booked me in for next month to re-weigh, and if there is no improvement, she spoke about the possibility of using weight loss tablets.

As for my anxiety and depression, I explained that I’d rather not medicate, as I don’t like the way I feel on them, and I feel like they are just covering up the problem, rather than solving it. So she has signed me up to a refresher course for cognitive behavioural therapy, which is what I had just after having Zak, and it really helped. The only downside is the waiting list, but I think it will be worth it.
In the meantime I’ve got to try my best to sort out my weight, and self esteem issues. So, like I have been trying to do all year, I’m going to work on myself, not just eat healthily to lose weight and look good, but to change my lifestyle and feel good.

So now, at least for now, I’m going to try and name something that I like about myself each day, and try to name something new as often as I can. Mr Pie is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, and for those few seconds I believe it, so I’m going to try and get to a point where I believe it all of the time (or at least most of the tim, we all have fat and ugly days right?!). Here’s my first quote I’ve read today, to lift myself up.

Much love xx



I admit it, I’m depressed.

I haven’t posted much recently, apart from my weight loss posts my blog has been pretty much dead.

I guess I’ve been feeling a little lost. I have so desperately been trying to work on myself, not just losing weight, but my general happiness. If I’m honest, it’s rare at the moment if I think to myself “it’s been a good day”.

I’m not entirely sure on why I’ve been feeling like this. Maybe it is to do with my appearance, I think at least some of it is anyway. I look in the mirror and truly hate who I have become, I can’t understand how anyone can find me attractive. Anyone who has read my blog recently will know that I’m trying to do something about it, with trying to lose weight alone, and also more recently starting Slimpod, but so far I’ve not really had any success. The thing is I know exactly why I’ve not had much luck. I eat when I’m stressed, or low or angry or even anxious, which unfortunately is most of the time at the moment. I also enjoy a drink (or many more) on a more regular basis than I’d like to admit. I think that’s because it takes me away for a few hours. It’s never when Zak is around but when he is at his Dad’s myself and Mr Pie do tend to go out and go a bit mad.

That’s not who I am though. In general I am a very happy person. I get stressed like most people do but not to this extent. I’ve felt like this for a while, and people are noticing. Mr Pie said that it’s rare to see a smile on my face, or even just a natural face without emotion. That’s when I realised I need to try and do something.

I’m pretty sure I’m depressed, but I will refuse to take anything for it so I haven’t got it diagnosed. I’m not at a point where I don’t see the point in living, but I do really often get days where I just don’t want to leave the house, because if I leave then there’s probably going to be some sort of crap piled onto me. I don’t feel good enough, as a parent, a girlfriend, a friend and as a family member. I’m constantly trying to do things to be a better person, to make people proud of me, but no matter what I do, I still feel completely useless.

I constantly feel tearful, and it’s definitely more than just hormones. It used to take me a lot to cry, but now I cry every day, sometimes over something that looking back on it, seem so pathetic

I have the motivation to change, but I am one of those people that caves as soon as something goes wrong. I really want to make a change, I’m pushing the people closest away and I don’t want to do that. I guess this is a cry for help, because I really don’t know what to do.