I’ve been a bit quiet these last few weeks, to be honest I’ve not really had the will to do much, it was Zak’s birthday on the 9th, which was wonderful, he loved all of his presents and was so happy all day.
But since then things just seem to have gone a bit downhill, for me at least and I can’t explain why. Maybe it’s because its the lead up to Christmas, maybe it’s just the weather and the time of the year just getting me down but I’m feeling like at the moment, I don’t have a lot to look forward to.
Christmas is going to be the worst one for me. Zak is with his Dad in the morning. It’s breaking my heart knowing that he wont be with me in the morning to open his presents, Mr Pie is working all day and wont get to see him either, not until close to bed time, so I guess I’m feeling rather emotional about it all. I feel like when I do see him later on in the day, he’s going to be exhausted from all the excitement so far, and he’s not going to want to know. I’m also going to be at my parent’s this year, which as much as I love them and appreciate the hospitality, I want Christmas at my own home, with my own little family. Am I being a bit over emotional?
Also, you may or may not have read my post on my psoriasis, but this time of year is always gets me down, it flares up really badly in the winter, I’m constantly itchy, more appears and in odd places, and quite frankly, I’m sick of having to suffer with it. I’ve given up on asking with the doctors because they fob me off with the same things every time. I’m actually sat here now trying to resist scratching my legs to bits. I’m avoiding showing any sort of skin from the neck down, because I’m so embarrassed.
Mr Pander and I went out Saturday night for a friend’s birthday, and one of his friends even commented on the patches on my hands, he said he thought they might be mosquito bites or even self harm, which as I’m sure you’ve guessed, has brought me down at lot.
I think I’ll actually be glad once Christmas is out of the way, try and pick myself out of this low mood, I’m finding myself tearing up over really pathetic things at the moment. Almost everyone that knows me well enough will tell you I’m an emotional person normally, but even I’m thinking to myself as I’m crying “what the hell is wrong with you?!”.
Right now, I’m ashamed to go anywhere because I’m being looked at or people comment on my skin or I’m thinking about how much I really want Zak with me this Christmas morning, or even how badly I want a lot of things to change in my life at the moment. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this and I feel so helpless.