• missporkpie@gmail.com
  • Great Malvern, England
I admit it, I’m depressed.

I admit it, I’m depressed.

I haven’t posted much recently, apart from my weight loss posts my blog has been pretty much dead.

I guess I’ve been feeling a little lost. I have so desperately been trying to work on myself, not just losing weight, but my general happiness. If I’m honest, it’s rare at the moment if I think to myself “it’s been a good day”.

I’m not entirely sure on why I’ve been feeling like this. Maybe it is to do with my appearance, I think at least some of it is anyway. I look in the mirror and truly hate who I have become, I can’t understand how anyone can find me attractive. Anyone who has read my blog recently will know that I’m trying to do something about it, with trying to lose weight alone, and also more recently starting Slimpod, but so far I’ve not really had any success. The thing is I know exactly why I’ve not had much luck. I eat when I’m stressed, or low or angry or even anxious, which unfortunately is most of the time at the moment. I also enjoy a drink (or many more) on a more regular basis than I’d like to admit. I think that’s because it takes me away for a few hours. It’s never when Zak is around but when he is at his Dad’s myself and Mr Pie do tend to go out and go a bit mad.

That’s not who I am though. In general I am a very happy person. I get stressed like most people do but not to this extent. I’ve felt like this for a while, and people are noticing. Mr Pie said that it’s rare to see a smile on my face, or even just a natural face without emotion. That’s when I realised I need to try and do something.

I’m pretty sure I’m depressed, but I will refuse to take anything for it so I haven’t got it diagnosed. I’m not at a point where I don’t see the point in living, but I do really often get days where I just don’t want to leave the house, because if I leave then there’s probably going to be some sort of crap piled onto me. I don’t feel good enough, as a parent, a girlfriend, a friend and as a family member. I’m constantly trying to do things to be a better person, to make people proud of me, but no matter what I do, I still feel completely useless.

I constantly feel tearful, and it’s definitely more than just hormones. It used to take me a lot to cry, but now I cry every day, sometimes over something that looking back on it, seem so pathetic

I have the motivation to change, but I am one of those people that caves as soon as something goes wrong. I really want to make a change, I’m pushing the people closest away and I don’t want to do that. I guess this is a cry for help, because I really don’t know what to do.

4 thoughts on “I admit it, I’m depressed.

    • Author gravatar

      A very brave post, it's the hardest thing to admit that the sun isn't shining out your bum or your face. As a parent we often try to just carry on, for a long time, we let things build up because we think we must always be strong and smiling. Not only to our children but everyone around, just on the off chance they decide to judge rather than help. Sometimes it take more than a cup of tea and a moan, sometimes it takes more than a jog to clear your mind. In a class the other day the tutor said 'We have to learn to allow ourselves to truly feel what we are feeling, to embrace it, understand it and then look to move forward' it's going to be hard and probably take a while but spend time finding your bliss, find the calm and try to breath. You are are not pathetic, far from it; by sharing the post you have reached out and that is a strong thing to do.
      Much loves Z xx

    • Author gravatar

      It took me all day after talking to you to post it, and even now I'm re-reading it and wondering if it was a good idea. I've had some really nice comments from people on Twitter, and I think getting it out there has already made me feel a bit better about it.

      I think I'm going to ask for therapy, stop drinking to forget and start looking after me, and hopefully I'll start to feel better!
      Thanks for your lovely words xx

    • Author gravatar

      Isn't it weird how we perceive people is so different from how they perceive themselves? You are young (I am old enough to be your mum!), pretty, with gorgeous hair and a lovely smile, I would never have known that beneath you feel so awful about yourself and that makes me feel sad. I have been 18 stone + for the past 20 years with one period when I lost weight, panicked, and put it all back on again. You need to get this sorted out once and for all as you are BEAUTIFUL inside and out and have a kind and warm heart. You CAN do this and you WILL do this.

    • Author gravatar

      Wow thank you. Reading this actually made me tear up. See I totally agree, it's hard to know how people are feeling on the inside, especially when you can't see anything wrong with them yourself!

      You have really lifted my spirits today, thank you so much xx