I haven’t posted much recently, apart from my weight loss posts my blog has been pretty much dead.
I guess I’ve been feeling a little lost. I have so desperately been trying to work on myself, not just losing weight, but my general happiness. If I’m honest, it’s rare at the moment if I think to myself “it’s been a good day”.
I’m not entirely sure on why I’ve been feeling like this. Maybe it is to do with my appearance, I think at least some of it is anyway. I look in the mirror and truly hate who I have become, I can’t understand how anyone can find me attractive. Anyone who has read my blog recently will know that I’m trying to do something about it, with trying to lose weight alone, and also more recently starting Slimpod, but so far I’ve not really had any success. The thing is I know exactly why I’ve not had much luck. I eat when I’m stressed, or low or angry or even anxious, which unfortunately is most of the time at the moment. I also enjoy a drink (or many more) on a more regular basis than I’d like to admit. I think that’s because it takes me away for a few hours. It’s never when Zak is around but when he is at his Dad’s myself and Mr Pie do tend to go out and go a bit mad.
That’s not who I am though. In general I am a very happy person. I get stressed like most people do but not to this extent. I’ve felt like this for a while, and people are noticing. Mr Pie said that it’s rare to see a smile on my face, or even just a natural face without emotion. That’s when I realised I need to try and do something.
I’m pretty sure I’m depressed, but I will refuse to take anything for it so I haven’t got it diagnosed. I’m not at a point where I don’t see the point in living, but I do really often get days where I just don’t want to leave the house, because if I leave then there’s probably going to be some sort of crap piled onto me. I don’t feel good enough, as a parent, a girlfriend, a friend and as a family member. I’m constantly trying to do things to be a better person, to make people proud of me, but no matter what I do, I still feel completely useless.
I constantly feel tearful, and it’s definitely more than just hormones. It used to take me a lot to cry, but now I cry every day, sometimes over something that looking back on it, seem so pathetic
I have the motivation to change, but I am one of those people that caves as soon as something goes wrong. I really want to make a change, I’m pushing the people closest away and I don’t want to do that. I guess this is a cry for help, because I really don’t know what to do.