I was sat in a dress shop watching my beautiful cousin try on her wedding dress when it first happened. That magical moment when you first feel your baby kick, not just a flutter but a full on boot you in the side. Everyone rushes around to feel your stomach, but the baby doesn’t kick again, that first big one was just for you and you absolutely love it. You smile smugly and feel warm.

You go home and tell the hubby, wait until baby is active again and sit there for hours holding your stomach together, It finally happens, baby lets Daddy feel the magic too. You sit in each other’s arms all night, excited, scared, but most of all, happy. Toddler runs in, you tell them they’re going to have a brother or sister, toddler laughs and carries on playing whilst mumbling something about not sharing his Tigger. You smile, you know he is going to be an amazing big brother.

Today is the day. Halfway point, scan day. Pink or blue? The car was silent on the way, apart from the boy, singing away in the back. He had no idea how big that day was for him, for us. It feels like forever in the waiting room, I’m pacing, partly because I’m nervous and partly because I needed my 4 millionth pee of the day but didn’t want to miss the appointment. We get called in, I lie on the bed, the familiar freezing cold gel is lathered all over my belly and there it is. On screen is our baby, our joy, I’m so overwhelmed I am fighting back tears, my eyes sting and my throat is choked up. But that can’t last long, pink or blue? Pink or blue?! PINK OR BLUE?!

Pink. Pink. Pink!!!!

It’s finally time, it all happens in a rush but I’m in the car, on the way to the hospital. I’m in pain but I don’t really care, the baby is coming, and I’m not even nearly ready for this. We don’t have a name, I had a section last time, the baby is early I’m not ready. I’m not ready! I’m pushing, I see a blur of people around me trying to be encouraging, but I really can’t hear them, I’m scared, and in pain, a lot of pain. I’m pushing again, and again, and again until I’m handed this beautiful angel, She’s crying until I speak and she just stops and opens her beautiful eyes. Her hair is whispy and blonde, she’s got huge eyes, and her Daddy’s lips. But it’s all going blurry.

I hear the sound of a truck. A truck? Why can I hear a truck? I open my eyes and I’m in bed, I look to my left and there is hubby fast asleep. Where is baby? Where is toddler? How did I get here?

It was a fucking dream.

Heartbroken.

6 thoughts on “Pitter-patter.”

  1. Oh no!! I was getting all so excited until it was just a dream!! It is amazing how can you remember every single detail!! It feels so real!! I really like your post. I have a linky called #KCACOLS (Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday) It actually opens tonight as it is sometimes easier to linkup in the evenings. I would love if you join me. Check more details below. 🙂 x
    http://www.amomentwithfranca.com/

  2. Aww I'm sorry! But as I'm sure you can tell I kind of wish it wasn't a dream too! I shall do my best to join in later! I am out but not sure on what time I'm coming home, if it is early enough I would love to join in to your linky. Hopefully see you later! xx

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